the Reality of Reality......

I've always made a promise to myself that I would be totally honest when I write this blog. Over the last 11 days I have started writing 3 times but deleted each time. This time I'm going to try and write a complete post. I guess I should start from the beginning...
So here goes. Last week I was out for dinner with great friends, just after main course I received a call from my brother telling me that my Dad had collapsed while on his holiday (with Mum) in Inverness, Scotland and that he was unconscious. I rang the hospital straight away and spoke to mum but all she could tell me was that he had collapsed while they were walking through a mall. She sounded broken. The next 5 hours were filled with me, my brother and sisters ringing each other and the hospital and words like 'coma', 'stroke' and 'possibility of not waking up' were being thrown around a lot. Everything seemed to be in slow motion. Mum was over there on her own and none of us could see Dad or Mum to see exactly what was going on (I'm a visual person).
The next morning, one of my sisters left to be with Mum in Scotland. In the meantime my cousin's wife went up from Manchester to be with Mum. I can't even fathom what mum must have been going through. My cousin from Italy also flew over. Mum needed company.
#just as a little side note I have to explain (for those of you that have never read my blogs before) that my parents are complete soul mates, their love for each other has never been questioned, by anyone.
3 days later we were told that Dad won't be waking up. Numb! He won't be waking up! My Dad, won't be waking up!
Since that diagnosis I can only describe what I've been feeling as complete limbo. I'm going through all the motions of my normal life (working etc.) but this is the only thing on my mind. My friends and family have been amazing, but this is all that is on my mind. Why did this have to happen so far away? Why does this have to go on so long? I'm going about my normal day to day business but all I really want to do is lie in bed and wait for it all to be over. Or I want to wake up and find out that this was all just a nightmare. This is torture. I want to see my mum, I want to support her. this is torture.
I can keep saying I'm o.k but the reality is, I'm not. I'm exhausted, both mentally and physically. I'd love there to be a happy ending but the reality is there can't be. I want this over, how long can it go on for?

Until next time,
the last single 35yr old.