A bit Blah!

Well, it has been AGES since I last updated my blog. I guess I've been super busy with work but to be honest, I've also been feeling a bit...well, a bit BLAH!
Blah, is really the only way to describe it! So I've been putting off writing because I didn't want to sound depressed or anything because I'm not, just blah!
Funnily enough quite a few people that I have been talking to, have been feeling the same way. Interestingly enough, these people are mostly single!
I ran into a friend of mine the other day and when I asked him how he was feeling, he said he was feeling 'pretty flat'. I didn't want to tell him that I was feeling the same. When he went into his reasons for not feeling great I really felt for him but then it got me thinking.
Being single isn't always as easy as the people who are married or with kids (or both) seem to think. I actually had a married friend say 'it makes me laugh when you single people say you are busy or stressed when you have no idea what being busy or stressed means'! I actually took great offense to this as I thought to myself that everything is relative in your own life. I understand the stress that must be involved in having children and partners, I think most people do. I do however, find that married people don't understand the stress of being single (and in your mid to late thirties).
Sometimes you feel completely left behind. It is like everyone has moved ahead and you are still standing still. I turn 35 in a couple of months and despite all the things I have done in the last 5 years, I find myself EXACTLY, on paper, where I was when I turned 30! Now that is a scary realisation! Although emotionally and mentally I've learnt a lot, the stats and circumstances remain exactly the same!
I was talking to another single friend a couple of weeks ago and we were talking about how people are always automatically saying to us that 'the right man will come along soon' and 'when you have kids....'! We were both saying that we feel like saying 'you know what, that stuff may not actually happen for me'! but then people look at that as giving up or being negative. We both agreed that it isn't being negative it is being realistic. At what point do you give up on those things? At what point do you say 'OK those things may not happen for me, so what other things can I focus on?'.
This is an insanely difficult conversation that you have with yourself but a very necessary one.
I find being a single guy may be a little easier than being a single gal (just slightly). Firstly, as the female who actually gets pregnant, there is always the constant reminder of the tick tock of that body clock! Guys don't have that! Also, married men still like to go out with their single friends every now and then to pubs, bars etc. either as support or as a little escape from the kids and stuff. Married women tend to do this less and prefer lunches and coffees. While lunches and coffees are fantastic they don't get the single women away from their televisions on a Saturday night!
But I also know that being a single guy in their mid to late thirties (and older)would be difficult because all of a sudden all the girls out there are only 19 -24 and although they are good to watch and admire, the age gap keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I think all of this thinking has come with the fact that I am turning 35 this year. And although I don't dwell on my situation MOST of the time it does concern me every now and then. Of course I never mention that every time someone says 'just wait until you have kids' sometimes feels like they have taken a knife and stabbed it 58 times into my gut!! Because hey, no one wants to hear that.
I also never mention that when someone says 'why haven't you got a man in your life?'I actually want to say 'I don't know, why don't you tell me?!' because no one would ever want to answer that. The easy answer for that is 'you must be too fussy'! but to me that is not an answer. I want to hear honesty, things like 'well you have put on a couple of extra kilos', or 'don't wear those jeans they look disgusting' or 'you look like a drag queen in that make up' or 'you come off really arrogant and as if you really love yourself' or 'you sound like an idiot when you say stuff like that'! All these things would help, I've never been scared of honesty because to me it is how we learn and change.

While not depressed, I think these are the things that have been on my mind lately and making me feel that little bit blah. And for the record I don't begrudge my friends any of what they have, I have always been completely and genuinely happy and excited for them with their relationships and their children, it is just that sometimes, just sometimes I wouldn't mind a little bit of that for me too!

Until next time,
the last single 34yr old woman xx