my Dad told me he loved me......

We have never been an overly affectionate family (I believe it is the Scottish in us). My friends know me as the person that is hardest to show affection to. For me this is tough, because I have always craved the affection (but never known how to show it), but then again, being the youngest, I have always been a little different from my 3 sisters and my brother in that way. I have always conformed as that is what I was always used to.
In some ways I have always been jealous of my siblings,they all got to spend time together going on family trips and spending quality time with each other. In other ways, being so much younger than my siblings, I was thankful for the time I got to spend with my parents alone. As this is about my Dad, I'll talk about the times with him. Any moment he had spare he spent with me. Every Thursday night, we used to go to Morley shopping centre (pre Galleria) and buy scratchie lotto tickets, it was our thing. If he had a saturday morning off (he worked a lot)we would go into the city and just walk around and always come home with hot cinnamon doughnuts (ah the simple things!).
Dad and I clashed a lot when I was in my late teens and early 20s, but we both always knew that these 'clashes;' were because we were so similar. We could both be very 'hot tempered', stubborn and opinionated! It just seemed normal that we would butt heads!
Fast forward to when I was in my late twenties and i remember my mum had been rushed to hospital for D.V.T and that night, as Dad and I had dinner together, he told me he loved me and he told me all the things that he hoped i would achieve in my life. In a family that doesn't actually use the words 'i love you' often, this conversation will always be in my memory.
Over the last few years I learnt so much about my Dad. He opened up about things from his past that he never would have told me about. I will always be thankful for the insight into his life.

On Friday August 26th 2011, my Dad passed away. After nearly 3 weeks of being unconscious after having a stroke on a holiday in Scotland, his body decided that enough was enough. Everyone keeps saying the world lost a true gentleman (I absolutely love this description). All I know is that, last Friday, my mum lost her soulmate and I lost my Dad.

Until next time,
the last single 35yr old woman.

(maybe not the most upbeat of blogs but I can only write from the heart)

the Reality of Reality......

I've always made a promise to myself that I would be totally honest when I write this blog. Over the last 11 days I have started writing 3 times but deleted each time. This time I'm going to try and write a complete post. I guess I should start from the beginning...
So here goes. Last week I was out for dinner with great friends, just after main course I received a call from my brother telling me that my Dad had collapsed while on his holiday (with Mum) in Inverness, Scotland and that he was unconscious. I rang the hospital straight away and spoke to mum but all she could tell me was that he had collapsed while they were walking through a mall. She sounded broken. The next 5 hours were filled with me, my brother and sisters ringing each other and the hospital and words like 'coma', 'stroke' and 'possibility of not waking up' were being thrown around a lot. Everything seemed to be in slow motion. Mum was over there on her own and none of us could see Dad or Mum to see exactly what was going on (I'm a visual person).
The next morning, one of my sisters left to be with Mum in Scotland. In the meantime my cousin's wife went up from Manchester to be with Mum. I can't even fathom what mum must have been going through. My cousin from Italy also flew over. Mum needed company.
#just as a little side note I have to explain (for those of you that have never read my blogs before) that my parents are complete soul mates, their love for each other has never been questioned, by anyone.
3 days later we were told that Dad won't be waking up. Numb! He won't be waking up! My Dad, won't be waking up!
Since that diagnosis I can only describe what I've been feeling as complete limbo. I'm going through all the motions of my normal life (working etc.) but this is the only thing on my mind. My friends and family have been amazing, but this is all that is on my mind. Why did this have to happen so far away? Why does this have to go on so long? I'm going about my normal day to day business but all I really want to do is lie in bed and wait for it all to be over. Or I want to wake up and find out that this was all just a nightmare. This is torture. I want to see my mum, I want to support her. this is torture.
I can keep saying I'm o.k but the reality is, I'm not. I'm exhausted, both mentally and physically. I'd love there to be a happy ending but the reality is there can't be. I want this over, how long can it go on for?

Until next time,
the last single 35yr old.