So I have been feeling well below par of late. It would be hard to describe why, there has been so much going on. There has been a lot of internal questioning going on about many things. I have been finding it very difficult to find the answer or reason to most of it.
It seems the realist in me has taken over and the girl that used to be able to take me to a better, happier, fantasy place to escape the world, has disappeared. I have no idea of what my future holds, and I sometimes wish to become more naive and not so realistic.
It is no secret that my father passed away last year. I am surprised at the scar that this has left me with. I don't know if maybe it is the circumstances in which it happened or if it is that the strength I had when it all happened has worn off but I have been feeling the aftermath a quite a bit of late. I have also felt it maybe a bit late in the game to discuss that time with people. Tonight it suddenly occurred to me that it is exactly 7 months since it all happened. I think about those dreaded three weeks every single day. I know I probably shouldn't rehash things from that time but I think it may take a little longer than expected to start feeling completely normal again.
Although I have a lot of stuff going on at the moment,and I probably choose to talk about hardly any of it, I think the key, underlying fact that finally I can admit is, and I finally should admit is, I just miss my Dad.
Until next time,
the last single 36yr old woman
Dearest Donna,
ReplyDeleteI think when something so profound shakes ones world; one will always question many things in life. I know from experience that this comes from trying to understand the logic of why things happen, such as a loss of a family member. A lot of people use the term “Everything happens for a reason”, I don’t believe that this applies to everything. I think sometimes things just happen and explanations or rationales are hard to find. 7 years on I still question why Dad passed away so suddenly. It was without warning, he was a man that looked after his health and enjoyed whatever spare time he had with his family (because he was so busy secretly trying to make ends meet). He died just when things started to look up for him. He worked tirelessly up until his last day. For a long time this angered and exhausted me and at times it still does. Last week I sent you a message about certain individuals posting life statements. It sparked some anger inside as I felt they oversimplify life and throw life comments too freely without really appreciating what it means.
There is not a day I don’t think about my Dad. Some days I wish I could talk to him about things that only he would find funny (our warped sense of humour) or just spend time together and not having to say a word to one another but know that it’s all good. Most of all I miss him as I know he was the only one that made my mum truly happy.
Time makes things easier to deal with the loss. A line from a famous musical that I love “Wicked” helps to explain why I feel that way I do with my friends and family that I hold dear to me. It is because they “leave a handprint on my heart”. From where I’m looking I think you are doing very well. It’s ok to feel the way you do. I too constantly rehash things in my head of the dreaded day but I think it’s a way of dealing and surviving the grief.
XX R
Thank you so much for sharing. I can not believe it has been 7 years since your father passed away. It certainly does not seem that long. I guess we both can always remember that memories survive and goodness lives on in everyone's hearts x
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